SHARING
Experience - Strength - Hope
Here are some brief articles written by FA members to assist in understanding the program...
While every experience is unique most contain common thoughts with which we can relate...
Our meetings are for sharing experiences, developing our strengths, and our hopes...
I learned the most when I slipped
In FA, we learn many new ways to get faith in our own ability to set healthy boundaries. When setting new boundaries and trying them out, sometimes we slip. I learned the most when I slipped.
I learned how to strengthen my program when I slipped. When I helped my son by 'doing things', I realized that I stepped in the way of his hitting his 'own memorable bottom'. When I realized that I actually hurt him when I slipped, I slipped less often.
I learned to be gentle on myself. I learned that I was part of a co-dependent tangle - that I was trying to untangle alone. I remember picking my son up - and taking him home - when he was so messed up on the streets..... and then the gut wrenching thought of “what if”... what if he was on his way to “his memorable bottom”.... the one that would be the place that he would never, ever want to get to ever again....and I botched it up, because it was too painful for me…so I
softened it for him.
I had to learn that his hitting bottom was not about my pain of watching him. It was about the bottom he has to hit. And that the bottom he hits has to be
memorable for him.
FA is about me and the life I want back. The serenity I wish to have in my life.
The hard truth is that it is so hard for us - to watch them beat themselves up. I slipped many times - and worked hard to learn from my slipping. And it is so hard to realize that we are not living our lives when we are constantly trying to help someone else - who has the ability to help themselves, especially in their drugged up state.
The most important thing I learned - was that my son 'Has to have a Memorable Bottom'. No matter how hard it is to watch.
I know that my HP was saying to me, many many times, ... be strong, have faith.
I suggest it is possible...that it is more loving to send someone out of the house to find their bottom so that they can choose to find a program and choose sobriety.....than choosing misguided love by taking them in the house while they are still using, - where the people living in the house see them this way - and can possibly cause harm to the family by having drugs in the house, unsavory people over to the house, stealing from the household money, deeply hurting hearts of otherwise cheerful people in this house.
I turned my son away, detached with love...so many times. Sometimes, I think that they need to have the consistent reinforcement of 'no', before they actually start realizing that they need help.
Recently, my son asked me for help. First, he asked if he could come home. He was 6 weeks in a sober program - and had chosen to walk away from it. First I told him that I love him no matter what he chooses to do in his life. I told him that he could not come to my home. I told him that I was working my program - and that if he wished to continue to be sober, that he could find another program to continue his sobriety.
He did.
He did it without me helping him.
He did it with me telling him 'I love you - and know that you can do it.'
After he got to the his program he loves, he told me that
I really helped him by not 'helping' him.
~ anonymous ~
I will allow him the dignity to figure out what he wants to do with his life
My son was arrested at the age of 19 and spent 16 months in prison. It was almost a year between the time he was arrested and was actually sentenced. I fought so hard to prevent this from happening to him....read up on lawyers....hired the best.....$10,000 total but he needed $6000.00 to get started. You better believe I found that $6000.00 fast....didn't matter how because you see I had to take care of this for my son. Well, the year was over and my son was sentenced... my baby....my only son.....my only child...... who had graduated high school and was attending Community College and working was now going to prison with mean people.
Only a few weeks after this my husband and I attended a wedding of close friends where our whole group of friends was in attendance. They all knew about the situation.... the pain of the situation. Anyway, at the reception one of the men (a true friend to this day) just put his arm around me and asked "How are you" and the "fine" that I was trying to say just would not come out...instead I totally lost it.... not just tears sliding down my face but something uncontrollable that I could not stop. I left for the restroom.... he told his wife, who came to the restroom and tried to be comforting...I remember babbling saying things like, 'The lawyer did me wrong'; ... 'that I thought it was all going to be OK' and so on and so on. I don't remember much else about this except during this time I wanted to tell people that my son was good and not to hate and judge him. I wanted everyone to tell me it was OK and that they loved or liked him. You see, if they didn't, I didn't want anything to do with them because he was my son and I was carrying the guilt. It did not matter what he had done that could or would create negative feelings in others.... you see.... in my mind...he wasn't responsible.
And then for the 16 months, come hell or high water, you better believe I was there for the visitation. Some of the Saturdays when he was in the local jail, I would arrive at 9:00 in the morning and wait and wait and wait to see him for 15 to 30 minutes through a window. Sometimes it would be 3:00 in the afternoon before I was called. And we all sent money (Grandmother, Aunt, and Me). In addition to snack money anytime he desired, he actually bought clothes. Yes, at this time, once you were in the "system" as they call it (leaving the local jail to a prison) you could order these things from a catalog.
It has been nine years, now, and my son has been in jail for six months and I'm reflecting on how I have changed. The first time he was released, it seemed he was doing well.... got his old job back.... made assistant manager. Later moved to another State where he was offered to manage a store. Somewhere during this period he became an active addict and since then he has received multiple DUI's, (some he got out of and some he didn't). There have also been several 'driving without a license' and this time the charges are "Failure to Appear and Possession". The failure to appear (I believe) was for driving without a license. His girlfriend or ex girlfriend, (I'm really not sure), informed me yesterday of the Possession charge was again postponed for another couple of months????
Where am I now? I haven't visited my son nor have I sent him any money. I have responded to each of the two letters I've received from him. I also have not signed up for the "pre pay", something that is necessary to take his calls. This isn't always easy as I sometimes second-guess my decisions.
My Mom says I'm trying to punish him, so I do soul searching for this and I don't believe I am punishing him. I believe my decisions are for me and just maybe this time I believe that he is responsible for his actions. And then sometimes I feel sorry for him and feel like he may feel that he has no one and then I pray and then I think the situation over and I feel if he has lost trusting people, friends, family, etc., I wonder if he has reflected on anything that he has done to these people to make them feel or behave the way they do. I wonder if he is feeling sorry for himself because he doesn't have a lot of money on the books (Aunt is definitely sending money and Grandma sometimes I believe) and thinks I could be contributing, or, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, he would ever think that he would rather have these people help out with the needs of his 2 year old son.
I sometimes wonder if he feels I no longer love him and then I pray and think the situation over and I know he knows I love him.... he has always known this and has told me this many times. I also told him in the letters I wrote him that I would no longer play a part in any of this, however, I longed and hoped for the day when we could have a "honest" relationship.
It is 'what it is' and he is in jail for breaking the law and bottom line, if he had not broken the law, he would not be there.
I don't care to hear the stories of how this person gets off easier than this person and their charges were worse, or ways to beat the system. I no longer long or beg for the others to offer their approval of him to make me feel better, rather, if there is a problem with someone, I hope that one day he will be able to rectify or "attempt at” rectifying his situation. I hope to receive a letter from him again as he hasn't written in quite a while but if I don't receive one, I will not write him to ask why because that is his choice. I'm not trying to find him a place to live or a job to go to when he comes home because I believe if he knows he will need to do this and if this is what he wants, he will find a way.
I love him with all my heart and this time with the help of GOD I will allow him the dignity to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and not what I think will work best for him.
With Love in the (FA) Fellowship
Bev
I look hard at myself and I know I was just as hooked as he was.
Dear FA,
I have been a member of this group for close to 2 years. I had shared with an FA friend about my son and she suggested that I share with you all. I have been a little afraid to jinx myself but have decided to go on out there and write this.
My son is now 21 and what they call a 5 star addict. I will spare you all the details but we have been through it all. He is a heroin and crack cocaine addict and he also has a disease called Addison's where his adrenal gland does not produce cortisone which our bodies need to do everything. President Kennedy had it. My son has to take medicine every day or he will die.
He came to me 2 1/2 years ago and told me he was addicted to oxycontin and wanted to stop. We put him in a detox for 8 days (what were we thinking?) and he relapsed immediately upon getting out. We then sent him to a program in Georgia, which was very expensive, but he clearly was not committed to being clean.
He was finally beaten up by a dealer and left by the side of the road and we had him hospitalized in Savannah for a month. He then went out to Montana to a program there, (he wanted to go there this time), and spent 11 months there. He recently returned to Georgia and is in their Alumni Relapse Prevention Program and is in college and he works part time. He has been clean a little over a year. He is very free in Georgia but there is a network of clean young men in this program who support each other.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to stop using crack or heroin. I admire him and I never lost hope. I know that this is only for today - that's all we have ~ but each day that I get up, it's a new day and I thank God for it. I know the devil, (the addict), sits on his shoulder and wants to kill him.
I pray that my son has the strength to keep putting time between where he was and where he is.
Most people I have loved have been addicted to something. I enabled them all and not one of them got well. So when my son went to Georgia, the woman who runs the program there asked me to do something different with my son. And it made sense. Then I joined FA and continued using my new tools. In a way I felt free when I took the first step and admitted I was powerless over drugs and other people's lives. I was big into 'control'.
This group for me has made all the difference in the world. I don't focus so much on other people anymore. I look hard at myself and I know I was just as hooked as he was. I am such a better person today for all of this. I am humbled, more compassionate and giving and I am truly thankful for each day and whatever joy I can experience.
I love you all,
Susan
from Massachusetts
A desperate mother called me and we started a new FA group of 2 persons at my kitchen table!!
FA didn't come into my life until my son had been clean for about a year. He was twenty nine at that time. He started his first try-out on drugs when he was 12! During his using years I had been fortunate enough not to be able to do much for him on a daily basis. We helped him twice. One time, we paid for the ticket - to go back to the US, where he was born.
When he was admitted to the Martha Washington hospital in Chicago, they sent us some documentation for parents. Could have been FA? But my reaction of course was: I don't need help......... and so I did not pursue the matter. Anyway I'd never heard of anything like a self-help group for parents in Holland.
But then, during his first clean visit to Holland, I listened to some tapes from NA-conventions that my son had with him and I realized I should be glad there were no hard drugs in my early days, because all the problems these "kids" talked about sounded pretty familiar. And I thought: If that is what they talk about at those meetings, if that's what one can learn about there, that's where I want to go.
I believe that there is no such thing as "coincidence" and this is what happened: My son went to see the people at the rehab place that he'd attended during one of his stays in Holland to let them know what a great program he'd discovered in the U.S. But self-help groups are not popular in Holland. Particularly not with the social workers who earn a living in this area. And so they abused my son and told him he was still a liar and if he wouldn't clear out in a hurry they'd call the police ........
When he returned to our house he told me he'd come very close to going to his old familiar address to buy dope. What he actually needed was an NA group, but all we knew about was the existence of AA groups somewhere in Amsterdam.
That very evening I was at my gymnastic classes and at the end I stood talking a bit with a girl I sometimes exchanged some words with. Nothing private, mind you. That time I did not want to spend too much time and told her I had to get home because my son was visiting from the States for 2 weeks. Whenever someone has a relative living and working in the States people always assume they are vice-president of whatever.... and this girl too was quite impressed just hearing he was living in the States and said: You must be very proud of him. And before I knew what I was doing I told her I sure was, but for a very different reason than she could possibly assume. I told her about him being clean and also about what had happened that very morning..... She showed her contempt over this and we soon parted.
I got home some 10 minutes later and my husband said this girl had called and would I be interested in an AA telephone number. I returned her call and learned that she had contact with an AA-er because of her alcoholic brother. This AA-er turned out to be the husband of one of the girls who first translated the FA Twelve Steps into Dutch and who could tell me there was an FA-group in Amsterdam, about half an hour's drive from my house at that time. I went there the next Saturday and have been going practically ever since.
Just for the record: our son returned to Holland for keeps one year later and although at that time there was an NA-group in Amsterdam, he started one in the city where he lived at that time.
There was a time that my FA-group, never very large, dissolved into an Alanon group, but when I came to live in Alkmaar I tried to start a group in this area. Also I registered my name and telephone number at different locations, but in the end I decided it would not come about and let it rest.
I decided to "let go and let God". My Higher Power was at work for me because some months later (in 2001) a desperate mother called me and we started a new FA group of 2 persons at my kitchen table!! At that time it was hard for me to leave the house as I'd just had an operation. The next week we were 4 and after some 4 meetings we had a free place of our own and a few more interested persons.
We still only have a steady group of 6 persons, but we have known meetings with 10 people!!!
Sometimes newcomers ask me why I still come after all those years. The steady 6 members still make me feel I've got something to offer and more importantly because I also am still learning and needing the program. If it wasn't for my son I would have never found this group. I owe him that.
Even though drugs may be out of your addict's life, there are other things that can start to become so important that one gets obsessed over that!!! Believe me!. FA helps me in all areas.
Actually, the threat of the drugs will always remain and if I hadn't learned to think positive, to have faith and to trust my Higher Power I'd be quite a mess.
I'm sure that "along the way" I learned how to behave towards an addicted child (even if he was clean from "my" start in FA) and certainly how to behave towards a child (we have 2 more sons) and even better........ towards all other human beings. I've learned to just put all that energy into my own behavior and if, at times, I still find myself on that merry-go-round, I've learned to stop, get off and get back on my FA program! Don't be a victim, don't feel a victim and don't look for victims.
I hope you recognize some of what I've written!
Loki
Alkmaar, The Netherlands
group 1236
Broken
When I came to FA, I was very broken. Broken hearted, exhausted, fearful, anxious, scared … and open. I was ready to learn and gain tools I could use with my son. I listened. I listened openly even though I wasn't sure about anything.
I heard that I was codependent.
I heard that I couldn't fix my son.
I heard that choosing obsessing over a constantly erring family member is controlling.
I heard that I could choose to fix my problem of living in insanity, by choosing to live my own life.
I heard that I could choose to grieve the loss of the dream of my son and let him go. I could accept his reality and accept that it is his life to make his own choices and have his own consequences, whether good or bad. That this has nothing to do with me.
When I heard many people, here, open up about their dreams for their loved ones, the lost expectations and heart break, and I heard about grieving the loss of that dream - I thought about the dream I had for my dad who had passed on years ago.
Once I accepted that I didn't have the father I wanted, I was able to let go of the expectations I had of him. Then I was very able to forgive my father for his shortcomings. His life path was his…and I let him go in love. I stopped crying.
Once I acknowledged that I was grieving for the loss of the dream I had for my son, and forgave him and myself - I let my dreams and my son go in love. I still cry…sometimes. (I cry when I see a Hallmark commercial). But I am not living in insanity….and have found a calm. I know that he is having many victories, which are unknown to me.
Words are powerful. After my first FA meeting, I immediately put my new words into action when my son called from the streets. He asked me to meet him, as he needed money. He stunk. He was dirty. His hands were burned and peeling from holding the glass pipe they use to smoke crack cocaine. He had been begging for change and stealing to get the money for drugs.
I was able to tell him that I was working on myself…and without tears I said to him…
“I love you no matter what. I told you that you have to earn my respect. I am sorry I said that to you. That is not true. I respect and honor you. I do not walk in your shoes. I don't know what you are feeling. Your life is yours and all the choices in your life are yours.
I realize I have enabled you…that I have not allowed you to experience your own consequences and I am very sorry for that. I kept you from going to juvenile hall by agreeing with the judge, over and over, that I would be responsible for you. I bailed you out of jail, I woke you up so you would not be late to work, and I paid bills for you. None of these things helped you grow. I apologize for doing these things…they were done out of misguided love for you. I realized I did not let you live your life.
You are a talented, intelligent, humorous, handsome man. You are an adult. You don't need a mommy. You need a Mother with whom you can have an adult relationship. You are completely capable of running your own life. I have seen you be successful - and I see a bright future for you if you make right choices for you. I love you no matter what.”
Then, with confidence and a small smile, I asked him where he wanted to be dropped off - and he went back to the streets.
The very next evening - he called and asked me to help him get into detox. Before this, I had tried everything to get him to go to detox. It was because of FA that I was able to say these loving and powerful words to my son - which, I believe, immediately began to restore his dignity.
Words are powerful. The Thesaurus associates Dignity with Worth, Goodness,
Self-Respect and Self-Esteem.
I adapted the program to me - I keep coming and listening. I work my program and when I am ready, I share. I'll keep coming back and work it, I'm worth it.
~ Anonymous ~
Double Winner
Hi Y'all,
I'm Paul, I have been attending FA with my partner Lois for nineteen years, almost to the day, but, I am a double winner as I am also an AA. The question why stay with FA? well now many reasons. If I want to go on an ego trip I would tell you, if folks didn't keep coming back FA would fade and die. However, truth is you never know when the FA safety net is required. Our Nicola who we "came to the fellowship for" was a severe heroin addict and got herself clean around 1991 (about the same time as I choked on my hypocrisy with alcohol, although it would be nine years until I went through the doors of AA), we kept attending FA through habit perhaps, or maybe it was to help others or possibly maybe because it made us feel good, it sure wasn't because we thought our Stephen would start using smack which is what happened. We slipped back into the old routine of suspicion etc etc. but we had our FA friends and the safety net was shoved under us and we didn't slip back too far. Then what we had learned in the FA program, stopped us standing in the way of his recovery. Our program allowed us to let Stephen live on the street and worse, oh yes there is worse than living on the street and our Stephen found it. He was allowed to reach that point where he felt he had to change his life. Today he is clean (I think), living in protected accommodation with a key worker. He comes around sometimes to have some dinner and is great company. Never asks for money, so I never have to say no.
So never feed my ego, I stay with FA for me, no-one else, just me! With this illness, whether an addict or family member or both, one can never afford to become complacent.
WLITF
UK Paul
( Sunday morning meeting Highgate, London, UK )
I don't know what I would do if I could not get to meetings
Hello all. This topic comes up frequently. As many of the old timers or veterans as I like to call them, are not coming to meetings anymore. There are several reasons why this is happening, some cannot drive at night and others are just so tired they don't want to get out.
I have been attending for almost 12 years now and I don't know what I would do if I could not get to meetings. I also know that I am so much better today because I continue to go to meetings.
When we first started attending meetings I didn't talk much and I didn't know what to say. You see I am in a little different situations then most people who come, I am a step parent of two addicts and I have a son who is an addict. Out of 4 children I have had my hands full trying to make them do what I wanted them to do. After FA I have learned that I have my hands full trying to just take care of me. With the help of FA and my sponsor I am doing a lot better, I can honestly say I am comfortable in my own skin and I have relationships with all of my children. We try to get together as a family about once a month or more and we can have a good time together because I don't try and live their lives, I can live my life and allow them to live there's. This can only happen if I keep going to meetings.
Tom J.
Why stay with FA?
I began attending the Battlefield Group of Families Anonymous in January of 1991. At first, I felt somewhat resentful that I was the one attending meetings because of someone else's drug problem. But as time went on, I realized how much FA was helping me improve my own character and behavior. I continued regular attendance until 1999, then helped form a new group in 2000, on the request of a drug counselor. I stayed with that group for nearly two years before drifting away. I recently rejoined the Battlefield Group in Manassas, Virginia. Why stay with FA? It really DOES WORK if YOU WORK IT. There are no quick-fixes in life.
Jim
Getting to know myself again
When I first came to Families Anonymous, I was only searching how to 'fix' my son. Where could I send him to make him better? How could I get him to stop using drugs and mend his life?
When I spoke with my husband, there were very few conversations that did not have our son's name in them - concern about him, worry about him, fear about him. When I spoke with my family members, I always talked about my son…and they always asked me 'how is he doing? Is he still on drugs? You must be going through hell.' I was relentlessly obsessing about my constantly erring, drug using son. Every conversation I had with a stranger, at the market, or waiting in line - somehow always got around to my problem with my son.
FA twelve steps and the selfless sharing of other members, especially the old timers, quickly started to settle into my thoughts.
Made a searching and Moral inventory of myself.
WOW & OUCH. Whose life was I living? I certainly was not living my life. I was imagining the worst, living on worry, waiting in fear for the bottom to drop. When I did sleep I had nightmares of the most horrible outcomes…and where in that mess was my life? Where was I in all of this?
So, I took the plunge. I chose a sponsor and bought the FA workbook. I poured over the steps. I changed the words of Step Four, a little, to fit me: 'Made a searching and Moral inventory of my strengths and weaknesses.' I have a lot of strengths and needed to think of myself as not having loads of weaknesses. Co-dependents have a huge capacity for love. Where I got myself into trouble was that my love was misguided. I did not know how to adjust my love in response to my addicted son.
As I worked on the 4th step, I would be driving on an errand, wondering where my son was…thinking I would get off the freeway and drive into that bad neighborhood and look for him.
I would catch myself and ask - 'Whose inventory are you taking?' I would have a conversation in my mind of 'good cop - bad cop'. Another time, I would be at home and start thinking about how my son did not have any I.D. on him and if he were beaten and killed, no one would know who he was - horrible imaginings with terrifying outcomes - and I would catch myself and say - 'This was not real', and until I was provided with the facts, my brain would be on a 'need to know' basis.
I called my sponsor and talked about these things. My sponsor would ask me what I was doing for 'me'. In the very beginning, I did not know how to answer that question…because I had not found 'me' in all this worry about another.
I wrote everything down in my workbook. Writing things down also helped me release, with love, the horrible imaginings that were keeping me frozen from living my own life. I love to paint and write. I had been writing, but it had all been about my son, and I had stopped painting. The shroud over me did not lift all at once. Little bits of joy erupted in my life, here and there…and I was moved to paint some and write some.
My sponsor would ask, again - what are you doing for you?
I am happy to report that I have completed a very cheerful children's mural at our church - and was commissioned to do another mural because of that one. I have been writing and have joined a creative writers group that meets weekly in my area. There was a time you could not get me out of my house, except to go help my son. I was fixated. Now I look forward to painting and writing. Now when my son calls, I have to look at my calendar to set up a meeting with him.
Getting to know me again has been a huge reward. I am dedicating my painting to joy and cheerfulness, using bright colors and happiness.
I am dedicating my writing to helping others who are so sadly affected by a loved one addicted to drugs or alcohol by sharing my path of pain to serenity. I know how powerful words are.
I came to FA to find out how to fix my son and instead, I am getting to know myself again!!
Anonymous
FAMILIES ANONYMOUS, INC.
POST OFFICE BOX 3475
CULVER CITY, CA 90231-3475
(800) 736-9805
FAX (310) 815-9682
www.FamiliesAnonymous.org
e-mail: famanon@FamiliesAnonymous.org
Do I Need Families Anonymous?
12 Promises
